Long, Dark Hallway

Long, Dark Hallway

4/6/2015

Some days I feel like I opened a door

Only to have it slam shut

Leaving me in a state of confusion

That feeling is shocking and abrupt

So I stand there silent, unsure

About my next course of action.

Stepping away from the door I look for

Something, anything that will come as a distraction

And lead me away from the swirling feelings

But all I see is the blank door

And a hall so long and white,

There’s nothing left to explore.

I’ve been that way, I came that way

And there is nothing left to see

But the way ahead is blocked, it’s stuck

And there’s no way to break it free.

If I can’t move forward or go back

What course do I have to take?

Maybe if I kick it hard enough

The obstacle will break.

But the fear holds me back,

I just can’t go forward,

Even though this bleak hallway

Leaves me feeling cornered

What if the other side

Is something much, much worse,

A living so abominable

A situation that is adverse?

But I have no option

I must continue

I can make it better

I can make it new.

So I’ll kick the door open

And move on in spite of the uncertainty,

I have no choice, so until I rejoice

My future pleasantries,

I be strong and try to hold on

And I’ll put up a daring fight.

So I’ll kick the door open

Reach in and turn on the light.  

I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes--open

I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes—open

3/30/15

I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes—open

But the light—goes—out

 and I’m—Wide—awake—

but the Dream’s the same

And  I don’t know what it’s all about.

Dancer’s spin—and grin as they twirl

Around the darkened—room

And I’m—Still —awake—

Though it seems a dream—I take

A moment to—peer—through the gloom.

The Dancers change—to demons—

Fangs bared—and eyes—of red

Appear—but I’m wide—awake—

And all I can think—is there’s some—mistake

As I fill—with the sense—of dark dread.

The Demon’s morph—they fill my mind—

All comfort changes to—fear—

Why am I wide—awake—

I can no longer wait—

As the Demons continue to appear.

Forward they leap—in a macabre dance—

Their claws—digging into my skull—

Keeping me wide—awake—

Calm dreams I forsake—

Into hell—I am consciously pulled.

Dragging myself—through the fire and stone,

I must escape the voice in my head—

Screaming at me to wake—

And I fear I will break—

As all dignity—and joy—it does shred.

Holding on with all my Might—

To my sanity I cling

Trying not to stay—awake—

Though I fear I may have to fake—

A happiness that only sleep—will bring.

For hours—I struggle—with the demons

Forcing them to stay at bay

So I’m no longer awake

When the world starts to quake

And before I can blink—it will be day— 

Heave and Breathe and try not to Scream

Heave and Breathe and try not to Scream

3/27/2015

So many things to be stressed about

Where do I even start—

Work

School—

It’s all falling apart.

Crumbling into pieces,

Disappearing into dust—

A bulldozer ran it over

But I know that I must

I must go on and face the danger

Face the anger

And all the pain I feel

I know that I must be stronger and pull apart the fear

About a future so uncertain

That’s crumbled into the sea

A mighty tsunami rolled me over

Without remorse at my daunting plea.

I try to breathe in any air

But all I get is water,

Water that fills up my lungs

An event that does not augur

Well for how I’m handling

The storm that’s headed my way

So I heave

And breathe

And try not to scream

As I face each and every day.

Where will this long road lead me?

What hope do I even have

Of making  it down the river

And finding my footing on dry land?

In a future so uncertain

I can only hope that all goes well

And work as hard as possible

To make it out of this trek through hell

In a fire so unbearable

I can’t see a single thing

Everything around  me is shimmering

And I can’t take the unforgiving sting

Of flames licking across my chest

And burning down my face

So I heave

And breathe

And try not to scream

As I try to make all haste

Only to come across another obstacle

It seems everything stands in my way

What do I do? What do I do?

This pain just won’t go away.

Yet the tears refuse to fall

And I can’t seem to let myself heal

As the emotions get ever stronger

My head is starting to reel.

I can’t breathe

I can’t scream

I can’t even feel anything real,

When will it end

When will I bend

Because I don’t have a back of steel.

It hurts

It hurts

I can’t stop the burn

I can only go so far

Until I reach a dead end

And I must defend

The life that I hold so dear.

My only option is to continue

And push as hard as I can

To pierce the dead end

And maybe mend

But I watch the whole plan

That was my future start to

Fall

To crawl

Away and into the dark.

I must continue

I must press on

Until I reach the end

No matter how far

So I force the air

Through my chest

And heave

And breathe

And try not to scream.

Make the Madness Disappear

Make the Madness Disappear

2/27/2015

I’d give anything to make the madness disappear

And stop the spinning in my head

But all I can do is grit my teeth and persevere.

My worries whirl and with my sleep they interfere

As I lay staring at the ceiling above my bed

I’d give anything to make the madness disappear.

The panic hits me in the chest like a spear

And I can’t breathe through the insistent dread

And all I can do is grit my teeth and persevere.

But through my pounding heart I cannot hear

Anything else that ever is said

And I’d give anything to make the madness disappear.

My wayward breath is a cruel mutineer,

My chest hurts so much; I think I may be dead

But all I can do is grit my teeth and persevere.

Through the panic and worry, I can’t stop the tears

I have no choice but to let it consume me instead

And I’d give anything to make the madness disappear

But all I can do is grit my teeth and persevere. 

Just Laugh

Just Laugh

2/26/2015

It is a common problem that

People put you down for who or what you are—

But don’t let them.

Just laugh.

Just laugh at their unhappiness

For they are choosing to live in a way that causes pain

And you do not have to let them infect your life

With negativity.

If you decide to argue back instead of walk away,

You only perpetuate the cycle of hate.

If they say, “Because you’re a girl,”

Laugh and say—

“And how is that a bad thing?”

If they say “Because you’re a man,”

Laugh and say—

“Well I can be who I want because that doesn’t define me.”

If they say, “Because you’re race is x,”

Laugh and say—

“My skin does not make me who I am.”

If they mock you for your gender or your sexuality

Laugh and say—

“You don’t know true love, do you?”

If they dislike you because you are a tourist

Laugh and say—

“How else would you make your money if we did not spend so much here?”

If they mock you for religion or your lack there of

Laugh and say—

“I can believe what I want to

It does not affect you.”

If they hate you because you are fat

Laugh and say—

“At least I can enjoy my food,”

And if they hate you because you are thin (unless you are anorexic which is a bad thing)

Laugh and say—

“It’s not my fault I have good genes.”

If they mock you for your clothes

Laugh and say—

“I dress how I deem fit.”

The list goes on.

People like to mock—and hate—and berate,

But don’t let it blacken your soul—

Just laugh,

Because they are unhappy with themselves

And they want you to be

Unhappy too.

But if you can just laugh—

If you can throw that joy back in their face

You can let yourself stay happy

And maybe they will realize that they are unhappy

And fix it.

If not—

That is not a problem for you to fix.

That life is theirs,

And if they want to be unhappy

Because of someone else’s life—

The choice is theirs.

Let them.

But your life is yours.

You must choose to be happy

And fight back against all the darkness—

The negativity—

The anger and the pain—

And the offensive behavior.

Don’t let it get to you.

Just laugh

And be happy—

And be who you want to be—

The choice is yours.

Make the one that’s best for you

And be happy—

Just laugh. 

Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day

2/17/15

As much as I love the idea

Of chocolates—

Flowers—

A nice dinner—

A day to express your love—

And a baby with wings that shoots arrows at people,

A rip off of Greek mythology—

Why do we need it?

And why do we only think of lovers—

Cupid’s arrows—

When we think love.

We don’t think about

Our friends—

Our family.

Giving them gifts is subconscious.

But really, we shouldn’t need a day for this.

Love isn’t something expressed that easily.

It takes more than an arrow of love to ignite the fire

And more than Cupid’s breathe to fan the flame.

It takes much more effort,

Much more time.

Years—

Decades—

A lifetime

To express the love that Cupid gives.

One day of chocolates may be a good start

But in reality

That’s not enough.

Cupid begins the job but you must finish it.

You should show your love every day with more than just

Gifts.

Actions—

Actions are far more important.

Cupid’s love stays—

So everyday

Should be

Valentine’s day. 

Inside the Suit

Inside the Suit

2/17/15

To me—

A cute top is more attractive than the girl inside

And a nice suit holds more appeal than the man.

Of course, there is something to be said for:

A fine face—

Handsome hair—

And energetic eyes

And there is good reason to avoid

Scrappy skin—

Horrible hair—

And crappy clothes.

But really, it’s what’s inside the suit

Hidden by the outer layer and forced to fit a single form

That really counts.

The hidden part—

The heart—

The soul—

The essence.

The suit we wear is like the shell of a clam—

The precious pearl is on the inside

And you don’t know what you’ll find

Until you look past the hard, plain shell.

The pearl could be fundamentally flawed

Or it could be yet to ripen

Or in rarer circumstances—

It could be black.

Or maybe—

For some unknown reason—

It just

Looks

Wrong.

But still—

You never know what you might find until you look inside,

Take away the outer suit,

Do not judge the shell,

And decide for yourself if you like the pearl.

So though I find

Men—

Women—

Attractive,

That really isn’t what is important.

What matters most

After you take away the suit

Is

The

Pearl.