The Rope

The Rope
12/9/2015

Life is a rope, long and harsh
      That we hang on,
             cling to,
                     dangling
                          as we fall,
                                spinning
                                      and twirling
                         as we tumble down
                    the  cliff side
               bouncing
         and rebounding
   as we fall toward the bottom.
Sometimes
the rope gets stuck
and you dangle
   before the rope
        untangles
              and you free fall
                        once more.
                              Sometimes
                              You
                              Fall
                             Straight
                             To
                             The
                             Bottom
                         But
                     Chances are
                 It takes some time
             and you end up
          swirling
                 and twirling
                          and you rebound
                                  before you
                                           finally
                                                reach
                                                   the rock
                                             hard
                                        bottom.
                                    But--
                           look at it this way.
                    No matter how you
              reach
      the bottom
You still have the rope.

We Discontent Ourselves

We Discontent Ourselves
10/12/2015

We sow the seeds of our discontent
Because life is what we make it.
When you suffer, when you get hurt
When you fall into that bottomless pit
It can be hard to claw your way back up
And continue on after that perilous fall,
Being blinded by the blackest night
Is a feeling that happens to all
That may have the unfortunate fate
To be pulled into such terrible trauma.
You may feel broken and warped
Like your insides are being gnawed on by piranhas.
Though that feeling is hard to get past
And it may feel like you'll never be well,
If you stew in the hate, and wallow in pain
And you never breach that veil
Of horrible agony, you will never be happy.
You'll find yourself suffering through hell
But really, the truth of the matter you need to admit,
The truth that after much pain I choose to tell
Is that you put yourself there, because life is what you make it
And the sooner you realize that you need to get past
The built up feelings that bring you down
The less time the hurt will last.
I am in no way saying it will be easy
Or that it won't take a great deal of time,
But the longer you wallow, the longer it takes
And that is the cruelest of crimes
That you can commit against yourself, and your life.
You must work past the pain to once again be joyous,
Letting yourself move on with your journey
And no longer feeling helpless,
Moving past the pain will bring you light
Making it possible to reconnect
With the world around you and those you love
And though there really is no correct
Way to get past it all, if you only wallow in pain
And misery, what is there left of a life
For you to live, what is the point
When you only succumb to the strife?
Now this may sound like a good reason
To die and let yourself wither away,
But that's not the case, and it can't erase
The hearts that you may have swayed.
There are people you hurt in your own pain
And even if there aren't any people left
You are pushing away the life you could have
And making yourself depressed.
You are perpetuating the pain they gave you
And making yourself stay estranged
From the world around you with so much that's new
And I'm begging you to try and change,
To change in a way that's better
So that the souls of black don't win.
It will be hard but it can get better
So don't wallow in pity, and hurt those around
You who had nothing to do with it
Don't wrestle their hopes to the ground.
Then you are as bad as those who hurt you
And you perpetuate the cycle
Of abuse and hate, the pain, the ache,
The truth of this is vital.
So for yourself and those around you
Move past the horrible pain
Because you can change, and for the better
And the truth cannot be contained.

Delicate China Doll

Delicate China Doll
10/10/2015

I am a - delicate- china doll
And you have no idea how - disturbing -
It is to sit on a - cushioned - shelf
And watch - silently the culminating
Effort - of those working - hard
On projects around me,
While - incapable - I perch
Up on high - to see -
And record - in my thoughts - what
Others do - and achieve.
But I am - not - free to try
My own ideas of which I conceive
Of - little projects they - may - seem 
But like an ephemeral cloth - I am fragile,
And though I try my best to hold onto strength,
Using this porcelain body - is futile.
So instead I watch - patiently,
Waiting for the day - when maybe
My body will no longer - of china - be made
And I can finally be - free -
To do as I wish-
And move - as - I - like
And fight - my own - fight
And lose - this perpetual - anguish.

Mutual Nerdiness

Mutual Nerdiness

10/2/2015

Let's have fun in our mutual nerdiness

There are so many things that we can do,

Things that other people scoff at

But that decision, one day they will rue

Because we can be strong, mighty warriors

With swords of steel and heavy armor

Swinging away at orcs and goblins

Or you could always be the stealthy archer

Standing in the back waiting for your turn

To fight against whatever evil creature

Comes to stand (quite stupidly) in our way,

But what can I say, I'm a dreamer.

To live in a fantasy world is the way I am

But there are other games that we can play,

So many card games and board games,

There's just to much to do in one day.

There are movies and shows that we can watch

So much more amusing than watching sports,

Doctor Who, Battlestar, X-files, Ancient Aliens,

And other science fiction of various sorts.

But we can't forget anime of different kinds

Fun things like Ouran or Darker Than Black,

Things other people scoff at and think are weird,

Things other people make fun of and attack.

So let's just say, that out of the things we can do

It's probably a good thing I can't learn real spells

Because they'd run out of luck (or maybe health)

And I'd probably put them through hell.

But the best thing in the world that we can do

Is to hang out in our mutual nerdiness

To sip on our tea (or alcohol)

And on that the vote is unanimous.

Let Yourself Get Lost

Let Yourself Get Lost

8/21/2015

Sometimes it’s best to wander

And let yourself get lost

Because it’s worth the cost

Of whatever you may squander.

It’s worth the time you spend

Seeing and trying something new—

Those times are precious and few

And for a short time you can pretend—

Pretend the world has disappeared

And pretend that you are free—

And pretend that all the debris

From life is no longer here.

Maybe you should take back roads,

The ones made all of dirt—

Because sometimes you have to skirt

The edge of a world about to explode.

Stepping away from reality

Is good for the heart and soul

So every now and then take a stroll

Away from the triviality.

And sometimes you have to let your mind

Travel on its own path—

And let out all its wrath—

So you can let the pain unwind.

Even though it may be hard

You must let yourself go—

Until everything that you know—

Is stricken into shards—

Only in this painful way

Can you truly find yourself lost

And you can you let your heart defrost

Until one day you will be okay.

It’s best to take some time for yourself

And let yourself reset—

Let go of all regret—

And get lost for your own health. 

A Carousel of Guilt

A Carousel of Guilt

6/17/2015

Guilt—

A thankless feeling

With rarely a true meaning.

Something often felt

When there is no need of it.

So many things to feel bad about-

Opening the doorway to Guilt where it can

Reach into my chest and grip my heart until

The blood stops pumping—

And I can barely stand—

And I can’t sleep.

A carousel of memories

Obstructs my vision

Leaving me feeling

Void—

I want to apologize

But who is talking?

Me?

Or the Guilt?

But even when I shoo the Guilt away

It comes back, knocking on my door

And if I don’t answer

The Guilt forces its way in

Coming back full force.

But as it turns out—

Guilt is a trickster—

As cunning as Coyote

And as cruel as Loki.

He spins the carousel bringing forth the bilge.

But the truth is—

Like all tricksters—

Guilt is a liar.

The horrific memories

That swirl

And twirl

Across your mind’s eye

Are nowhere near as bad

As Guilt likes to make them.

The other party involved

In whatever Guilt brings forth

May feel very little

Or absolutely

Nothing

About what Guilt drags you

Through shit over.

But Guilt is hard to get rid of

And a carousel isn’t an easy thing to move.

But the fact is—

Most things aren’t easy to get rid of

And using all that effort—

The pushing

The tugging

Only makes you stronger

And once you fight off the Guilt

You’ll find yourself better than you were before.

Only then can you truly tell

If you are the one talking

Or if it’s guilt—

And if you find you are the one—

Then the apology you make

Will be more heartfelt

And more genuine

And that will make it all the better

And only then

Can you truly kick Guilt out the door

And remove the foundation of the carousel

And move on with life.

When They Walk Out the Door

When They Walk Out the Door

5/26/2015

The worst feeling one can possibly have

Is to see the one you love most, walk out the door

And you don’t know when they might be back.

To let go of that hand is the worst thing of all

Whether they come back to you or not

Really isn’t your call.

So you wait and you wait until you see them again

And you can’t help but smile when you see their face

But then you must go on and pretend

Like everything is going to be alright,

You have to take a deep breath

And put up a righteous and glorious fight

To not succumb to the pain and show the tears

And to keep a tight hold on your secret

And put a leash on all of your fears

So the one you love most will not worry

And stop to make the goodbye longer

So instead you push and try to make them hurry

Out the door when all you want is to be together

But you have no choice or it will be harder

So instead you try to be wise and clever

And get them to leave faster and be on their way

So you can cry and hurt by yourself

And hope to see them again another day.

But the one you love notices

They always do,

They can see the hurt on your face

And the sadness too,

So they don’t walk out that door

They don’t walk away

Instead they stay and dry your tears

And at least for a little longer they choose to stay.

They make everything better

And though it may feel like you will never

See their face again

You don’t have to hold tight and pretend

Because they will ease away the pain

And help you keep yourself sane

Before they step out that door

And promise to see you because your face they adore.

They will kiss your lips

And promise it’s not the apocalypse

They will always come back

And kept your heart intact

For they love you most of all

And they will help you keep your head tall. 

My Mother Tree

My Mother Tree

5/7/2015

My mom is tall and strong like a tree

She stands solid and proud.

Her roots have spread through the ground

And her branches bring shade over me.

Her roots dug in, she knows where she stands

In a field of wildflowers

Her quiet grace empowers

All who decide to cross her noteworthy lands.

And under her leaves you can find great bliss

Because it’s a good place to rest,

A good place to build nest,

And under her care there’s no risk.

And I am grateful her tree gives quiet shelter

Her roots make a good bed

And give a calm that’s widespread

And her tree stands solid and tall in the center—

She is my mother tree, the one who is home

She brings shelter and care

And I know she’ll be there

Like a beacon, when I am lost and alone. 

Fear

Fear

4/27/15

Fear—

Overrides all else.

Heart beats at an increased rate

Mind goes blank.

Whatever incited the fear

Is all that is there.

You start to sweat

Salt on the lip

There is no distraction

From fear.

There is no calm

You can’t move on

Your focus narrows

On only one thing.

You want to run

Or stand still

A contradiction

And your mind moves slow

Decreasing your reactions

Until the adrenaline spikes.

But what can you do

When you cannot run?

Adrenaline doesn’t help

You shiver—

You stare—

Uncertain what to do. 

Short breaths

Light-headedness

Nothing else registers

But fear. 

Anger

Anger

4/26/2015

Anger is a pain, deep in my chest

It throbs, it pulses, it will never rest

A red haze descends and constricts my sight

Until everything seems bad and I just want to fight

Or run away, and seethe, quietly alone

And any confrontation I try to postpone

Until it boils up and I can’t hold it in

My stomach feels nauseous, I feel too big for my skin

And my head feels like it will pop

And I’m not sure I can stop

The tirade of words that wish to spill out

Though I wish I could do without

The haze on my thoughts, so I can think clearly

As anger covers all and I nearly

Do something I don’t want to do

But I try to take a deep breath and break through

The fury seething like a volcano

And my whirling emotions like a tornado

So I can calmly face the problem at hand

So the cause of my anger they can all understand

And we can fix the problem that created this emotion

And we can stop this ceaseless constant erosion

At the walls of the dam that keeps in my voice

And hopefully now I can have the choice

To notice that anger, that seething hate

That causes me to groan and be irate

And instead we can talk and solve the problem

And if we get lucky we can get down to the bottom

Of the anger and there will be a solution

And we can come to a calm and quiet resolution. 

I Am Here

I Am Here

4/20/2015

I Am Here—

The steady pulse, the beat of music

Dwells in the background.

The soft click, the tick, the beat of the keyboard,

Clicking—

Clicking.

Hard chair, soft floor—

Soft cat dancing around my chair,

A soft mew

Seeking attention.

A soft pat on the head, he purrs and walks away

Only to wander

Right

Back.

It smells of a roast cooking—

A waft of onion—

Garlic—

Drifts through the room

And out the window into the

Cold

Dark

Night.

The keys on the keyboard

Are hard

And though they relent

It is only just enough to register

And translate my thoughts

To the bright

White

Screen.

The dark, black words appear across a pristine white page

Giving it a meaning.

A sour taste permeates my mouth,

So I reach for water

To wash it away.

But it still remains—

Though dulled.

My necklace clicks

And shifts

Against the soft skin at my throat.

My phone buzzes

My roommate curses

A car drives by

The cat yells

And spazzes behind me, playing with his dirty sock

Filled with catnip.

The song ends.

I Am Here—

Long, Dark Hallway

Long, Dark Hallway

4/6/2015

Some days I feel like I opened a door

Only to have it slam shut

Leaving me in a state of confusion

That feeling is shocking and abrupt

So I stand there silent, unsure

About my next course of action.

Stepping away from the door I look for

Something, anything that will come as a distraction

And lead me away from the swirling feelings

But all I see is the blank door

And a hall so long and white,

There’s nothing left to explore.

I’ve been that way, I came that way

And there is nothing left to see

But the way ahead is blocked, it’s stuck

And there’s no way to break it free.

If I can’t move forward or go back

What course do I have to take?

Maybe if I kick it hard enough

The obstacle will break.

But the fear holds me back,

I just can’t go forward,

Even though this bleak hallway

Leaves me feeling cornered

What if the other side

Is something much, much worse,

A living so abominable

A situation that is adverse?

But I have no option

I must continue

I can make it better

I can make it new.

So I’ll kick the door open

And move on in spite of the uncertainty,

I have no choice, so until I rejoice

My future pleasantries,

I be strong and try to hold on

And I’ll put up a daring fight.

So I’ll kick the door open

Reach in and turn on the light.  

I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes--open

I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes—open

3/30/15

I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes—open

But the light—goes—out

 and I’m—Wide—awake—

but the Dream’s the same

And  I don’t know what it’s all about.

Dancer’s spin—and grin as they twirl

Around the darkened—room

And I’m—Still —awake—

Though it seems a dream—I take

A moment to—peer—through the gloom.

The Dancers change—to demons—

Fangs bared—and eyes—of red

Appear—but I’m wide—awake—

And all I can think—is there’s some—mistake

As I fill—with the sense—of dark dread.

The Demon’s morph—they fill my mind—

All comfort changes to—fear—

Why am I wide—awake—

I can no longer wait—

As the Demons continue to appear.

Forward they leap—in a macabre dance—

Their claws—digging into my skull—

Keeping me wide—awake—

Calm dreams I forsake—

Into hell—I am consciously pulled.

Dragging myself—through the fire and stone,

I must escape the voice in my head—

Screaming at me to wake—

And I fear I will break—

As all dignity—and joy—it does shred.

Holding on with all my Might—

To my sanity I cling

Trying not to stay—awake—

Though I fear I may have to fake—

A happiness that only sleep—will bring.

For hours—I struggle—with the demons

Forcing them to stay at bay

So I’m no longer awake

When the world starts to quake

And before I can blink—it will be day— 

Heave and Breathe and try not to Scream

Heave and Breathe and try not to Scream

3/27/2015

So many things to be stressed about

Where do I even start—

Work

School—

It’s all falling apart.

Crumbling into pieces,

Disappearing into dust—

A bulldozer ran it over

But I know that I must

I must go on and face the danger

Face the anger

And all the pain I feel

I know that I must be stronger and pull apart the fear

About a future so uncertain

That’s crumbled into the sea

A mighty tsunami rolled me over

Without remorse at my daunting plea.

I try to breathe in any air

But all I get is water,

Water that fills up my lungs

An event that does not augur

Well for how I’m handling

The storm that’s headed my way

So I heave

And breathe

And try not to scream

As I face each and every day.

Where will this long road lead me?

What hope do I even have

Of making  it down the river

And finding my footing on dry land?

In a future so uncertain

I can only hope that all goes well

And work as hard as possible

To make it out of this trek through hell

In a fire so unbearable

I can’t see a single thing

Everything around  me is shimmering

And I can’t take the unforgiving sting

Of flames licking across my chest

And burning down my face

So I heave

And breathe

And try not to scream

As I try to make all haste

Only to come across another obstacle

It seems everything stands in my way

What do I do? What do I do?

This pain just won’t go away.

Yet the tears refuse to fall

And I can’t seem to let myself heal

As the emotions get ever stronger

My head is starting to reel.

I can’t breathe

I can’t scream

I can’t even feel anything real,

When will it end

When will I bend

Because I don’t have a back of steel.

It hurts

It hurts

I can’t stop the burn

I can only go so far

Until I reach a dead end

And I must defend

The life that I hold so dear.

My only option is to continue

And push as hard as I can

To pierce the dead end

And maybe mend

But I watch the whole plan

That was my future start to

Fall

To crawl

Away and into the dark.

I must continue

I must press on

Until I reach the end

No matter how far

So I force the air

Through my chest

And heave

And breathe

And try not to scream.