A Carousel of Guilt

A Carousel of Guilt

6/17/2015

Guilt—

A thankless feeling

With rarely a true meaning.

Something often felt

When there is no need of it.

So many things to feel bad about-

Opening the doorway to Guilt where it can

Reach into my chest and grip my heart until

The blood stops pumping—

And I can barely stand—

And I can’t sleep.

A carousel of memories

Obstructs my vision

Leaving me feeling

Void—

I want to apologize

But who is talking?

Me?

Or the Guilt?

But even when I shoo the Guilt away

It comes back, knocking on my door

And if I don’t answer

The Guilt forces its way in

Coming back full force.

But as it turns out—

Guilt is a trickster—

As cunning as Coyote

And as cruel as Loki.

He spins the carousel bringing forth the bilge.

But the truth is—

Like all tricksters—

Guilt is a liar.

The horrific memories

That swirl

And twirl

Across your mind’s eye

Are nowhere near as bad

As Guilt likes to make them.

The other party involved

In whatever Guilt brings forth

May feel very little

Or absolutely

Nothing

About what Guilt drags you

Through shit over.

But Guilt is hard to get rid of

And a carousel isn’t an easy thing to move.

But the fact is—

Most things aren’t easy to get rid of

And using all that effort—

The pushing

The tugging

Only makes you stronger

And once you fight off the Guilt

You’ll find yourself better than you were before.

Only then can you truly tell

If you are the one talking

Or if it’s guilt—

And if you find you are the one—

Then the apology you make

Will be more heartfelt

And more genuine

And that will make it all the better

And only then

Can you truly kick Guilt out the door

And remove the foundation of the carousel

And move on with life.

When They Walk Out the Door

When They Walk Out the Door

5/26/2015

The worst feeling one can possibly have

Is to see the one you love most, walk out the door

And you don’t know when they might be back.

To let go of that hand is the worst thing of all

Whether they come back to you or not

Really isn’t your call.

So you wait and you wait until you see them again

And you can’t help but smile when you see their face

But then you must go on and pretend

Like everything is going to be alright,

You have to take a deep breath

And put up a righteous and glorious fight

To not succumb to the pain and show the tears

And to keep a tight hold on your secret

And put a leash on all of your fears

So the one you love most will not worry

And stop to make the goodbye longer

So instead you push and try to make them hurry

Out the door when all you want is to be together

But you have no choice or it will be harder

So instead you try to be wise and clever

And get them to leave faster and be on their way

So you can cry and hurt by yourself

And hope to see them again another day.

But the one you love notices

They always do,

They can see the hurt on your face

And the sadness too,

So they don’t walk out that door

They don’t walk away

Instead they stay and dry your tears

And at least for a little longer they choose to stay.

They make everything better

And though it may feel like you will never

See their face again

You don’t have to hold tight and pretend

Because they will ease away the pain

And help you keep yourself sane

Before they step out that door

And promise to see you because your face they adore.

They will kiss your lips

And promise it’s not the apocalypse

They will always come back

And kept your heart intact

For they love you most of all

And they will help you keep your head tall. 

My Mother Tree

My Mother Tree

5/7/2015

My mom is tall and strong like a tree

She stands solid and proud.

Her roots have spread through the ground

And her branches bring shade over me.

Her roots dug in, she knows where she stands

In a field of wildflowers

Her quiet grace empowers

All who decide to cross her noteworthy lands.

And under her leaves you can find great bliss

Because it’s a good place to rest,

A good place to build nest,

And under her care there’s no risk.

And I am grateful her tree gives quiet shelter

Her roots make a good bed

And give a calm that’s widespread

And her tree stands solid and tall in the center—

She is my mother tree, the one who is home

She brings shelter and care

And I know she’ll be there

Like a beacon, when I am lost and alone. 

Fear

Fear

4/27/15

Fear—

Overrides all else.

Heart beats at an increased rate

Mind goes blank.

Whatever incited the fear

Is all that is there.

You start to sweat

Salt on the lip

There is no distraction

From fear.

There is no calm

You can’t move on

Your focus narrows

On only one thing.

You want to run

Or stand still

A contradiction

And your mind moves slow

Decreasing your reactions

Until the adrenaline spikes.

But what can you do

When you cannot run?

Adrenaline doesn’t help

You shiver—

You stare—

Uncertain what to do. 

Short breaths

Light-headedness

Nothing else registers

But fear. 

Anger

Anger

4/26/2015

Anger is a pain, deep in my chest

It throbs, it pulses, it will never rest

A red haze descends and constricts my sight

Until everything seems bad and I just want to fight

Or run away, and seethe, quietly alone

And any confrontation I try to postpone

Until it boils up and I can’t hold it in

My stomach feels nauseous, I feel too big for my skin

And my head feels like it will pop

And I’m not sure I can stop

The tirade of words that wish to spill out

Though I wish I could do without

The haze on my thoughts, so I can think clearly

As anger covers all and I nearly

Do something I don’t want to do

But I try to take a deep breath and break through

The fury seething like a volcano

And my whirling emotions like a tornado

So I can calmly face the problem at hand

So the cause of my anger they can all understand

And we can fix the problem that created this emotion

And we can stop this ceaseless constant erosion

At the walls of the dam that keeps in my voice

And hopefully now I can have the choice

To notice that anger, that seething hate

That causes me to groan and be irate

And instead we can talk and solve the problem

And if we get lucky we can get down to the bottom

Of the anger and there will be a solution

And we can come to a calm and quiet resolution. 

I Am Here

I Am Here

4/20/2015

I Am Here—

The steady pulse, the beat of music

Dwells in the background.

The soft click, the tick, the beat of the keyboard,

Clicking—

Clicking.

Hard chair, soft floor—

Soft cat dancing around my chair,

A soft mew

Seeking attention.

A soft pat on the head, he purrs and walks away

Only to wander

Right

Back.

It smells of a roast cooking—

A waft of onion—

Garlic—

Drifts through the room

And out the window into the

Cold

Dark

Night.

The keys on the keyboard

Are hard

And though they relent

It is only just enough to register

And translate my thoughts

To the bright

White

Screen.

The dark, black words appear across a pristine white page

Giving it a meaning.

A sour taste permeates my mouth,

So I reach for water

To wash it away.

But it still remains—

Though dulled.

My necklace clicks

And shifts

Against the soft skin at my throat.

My phone buzzes

My roommate curses

A car drives by

The cat yells

And spazzes behind me, playing with his dirty sock

Filled with catnip.

The song ends.

I Am Here—

Long, Dark Hallway

Long, Dark Hallway

4/6/2015

Some days I feel like I opened a door

Only to have it slam shut

Leaving me in a state of confusion

That feeling is shocking and abrupt

So I stand there silent, unsure

About my next course of action.

Stepping away from the door I look for

Something, anything that will come as a distraction

And lead me away from the swirling feelings

But all I see is the blank door

And a hall so long and white,

There’s nothing left to explore.

I’ve been that way, I came that way

And there is nothing left to see

But the way ahead is blocked, it’s stuck

And there’s no way to break it free.

If I can’t move forward or go back

What course do I have to take?

Maybe if I kick it hard enough

The obstacle will break.

But the fear holds me back,

I just can’t go forward,

Even though this bleak hallway

Leaves me feeling cornered

What if the other side

Is something much, much worse,

A living so abominable

A situation that is adverse?

But I have no option

I must continue

I can make it better

I can make it new.

So I’ll kick the door open

And move on in spite of the uncertainty,

I have no choice, so until I rejoice

My future pleasantries,

I be strong and try to hold on

And I’ll put up a daring fight.

So I’ll kick the door open

Reach in and turn on the light.