Wednesday, December 9, 2015

The Rope

The Rope

Life is a rope, long and harsh
      That we hang on,
             cling to,
                          as we fall,
                                      and twirling
                         as we tumble down
                    the  cliff side
         and rebounding
   as we fall toward the bottom.
the rope gets stuck
and you dangle
   before the rope
              and you free fall
                        once more.
                     Chances are
                 It takes some time
             and you end up
                 and twirling
                          and you rebound
                                  before you
                                                   the rock
                           look at it this way.
                    No matter how you
      the bottom
You still have the rope.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

We Discontent Ourselves

We Discontent Ourselves

We sow the seeds of our discontent
Because life is what we make it.
When you suffer, when you get hurt
When you fall into that bottomless pit
It can be hard to claw your way back up
And continue on after that perilous fall,
Being blinded by the blackest night
Is a feeling that happens to all
That may have the unfortunate fate
To be pulled into such terrible trauma.
You may feel broken and warped
Like your insides are being gnawed on by piranhas.
Though that feeling is hard to get past
And it may feel like you'll never be well,
If you stew in the hate, and wallow in pain
And you never breach that veil
Of horrible agony, you will never be happy.
You'll find yourself suffering through hell
But really, the truth of the matter you need to admit,
The truth that after much pain I choose to tell
Is that you put yourself there, because life is what you make it
And the sooner you realize that you need to get past
The built up feelings that bring you down
The less time the hurt will last.
I am in no way saying it will be easy
Or that it won't take a great deal of time,
But the longer you wallow, the longer it takes
And that is the cruelest of crimes
That you can commit against yourself, and your life.
You must work past the pain to once again be joyous,
Letting yourself move on with your journey
And no longer feeling helpless,
Moving past the pain will bring you light
Making it possible to reconnect
With the world around you and those you love
And though there really is no correct
Way to get past it all, if you only wallow in pain
And misery, what is there left of a life
For you to live, what is the point
When you only succumb to the strife?
Now this may sound like a good reason
To die and let yourself wither away,
But that's not the case, and it can't erase
The hearts that you may have swayed.
There are people you hurt in your own pain
And even if there aren't any people left
You are pushing away the life you could have
And making yourself depressed.
You are perpetuating the pain they gave you
And making yourself stay estranged
From the world around you with so much that's new
And I'm begging you to try and change,
To change in a way that's better
So that the souls of black don't win.
It will be hard but it can get better
So don't wallow in pity, and hurt those around
You who had nothing to do with it
Don't wrestle their hopes to the ground.
Then you are as bad as those who hurt you
And you perpetuate the cycle
Of abuse and hate, the pain, the ache,
The truth of this is vital.
So for yourself and those around you
Move past the horrible pain
Because you can change, and for the better
And the truth cannot be contained.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Delicate China Doll

Delicate China Doll

I am a - delicate- china doll
And you have no idea how - disturbing -
It is to sit on a - cushioned - shelf
And watch - silently the culminating
Effort - of those working - hard
On projects around me,
While - incapable - I perch
Up on high - to see -
And record - in my thoughts - what
Others do - and achieve.
But I am - not - free to try
My own ideas of which I conceive
Of - little projects they - may - seem 
But like an ephemeral cloth - I am fragile,
And though I try my best to hold onto strength,
Using this porcelain body - is futile.
So instead I watch - patiently,
Waiting for the day - when maybe
My body will no longer - of china - be made
And I can finally be - free -
To do as I wish-
And move - as - I - like
And fight - my own - fight
And lose - this perpetual - anguish.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Mutual Nerdiness

Mutual Nerdiness

Let's have fun in our mutual nerdiness
There are so many things that we can do,
Things that other people scoff at
But that decision, one day they will rue
Because we can be strong, mighty warriors
With swords of steel and heavy armor
Swinging away at orcs and goblins
Or you could always be the stealthy archer
Standing in the back waiting for your turn
To fight against whatever evil creature
Comes to stand (quite stupidly) in our way,
But what can I say, I'm a dreamer.
To live in a fantasy world is the way I am
But there are other games that we can play,
So many card games and board games,
There's just to much to do in one day.
There are movies and shows that we can watch
So much more amusing than watching sports,
Doctor Who, Battlestar, X-files, Ancient Aliens,
And other science fiction of various sorts.
But we can't forget anime of different kinds
Fun things like Ouran or Darker Than Black,
Things other people scoff at and think are weird,
Things other people make fun of and attack.
So let's just say, that out of the things we can do
It's probably a good thing I can't learn real spells
Because they'd run out of luck (or maybe health)
And I'd probably put them through hell.
But the best thing in the world that we can do
Is to hang out in our mutual nerdiness
To sip on our tea (or alcohol)
And on that the vote is unanimous.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Let Yourself Get Lost

Let Yourself Get Lost

Sometimes it’s best to wander
And let yourself get lost
Because it’s worth the cost
Of whatever you may squander.

It’s worth the time you spend
Seeing and trying something new—
Those times are precious and few
And for a short time you can pretend—

Pretend the world has disappeared
And pretend that you are free—
And pretend that all the debris
From life is no longer here.

Maybe you should take back roads,
The ones made all of dirt—
Because sometimes you have to skirt
The edge of a world about to explode.

Stepping away from reality
Is good for the heart and soul
So every now and then take a stroll
Away from the triviality.

And sometimes you have to let your mind
Travel on its own path—
And let out all its wrath—
So you can let the pain unwind.

Even though it may be hard
You must let yourself go—
Until everything that you know—
Is stricken into shards—

Only in this painful way
Can you truly find yourself lost
And you can you let your heart defrost
Until one day you will be okay.

It’s best to take some time for yourself
And let yourself reset—
Let go of all regret—
And get lost for your own health. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

A Carousel of Guilt

A Carousel of Guilt

A thankless feeling
With rarely a true meaning.
Something often felt
When there is no need of it.
So many things to feel bad about-
Opening the doorway to Guilt where it can
Reach into my chest and grip my heart until
The blood stops pumping—
And I can barely stand—
And I can’t sleep.
A carousel of memories
Obstructs my vision
Leaving me feeling
I want to apologize
But who is talking?
Or the Guilt?
But even when I shoo the Guilt away
It comes back, knocking on my door
And if I don’t answer
The Guilt forces its way in
Coming back full force.
But as it turns out—
Guilt is a trickster—
As cunning as Coyote
And as cruel as Loki.
He spins the carousel bringing forth the bilge.
But the truth is—
Like all tricksters—
Guilt is a liar.
The horrific memories
That swirl
And twirl
Across your mind’s eye
Are nowhere near as bad
As Guilt likes to make them.
The other party involved
In whatever Guilt brings forth
May feel very little
Or absolutely
About what Guilt drags you
Through shit over.
But Guilt is hard to get rid of
And a carousel isn’t an easy thing to move.
But the fact is—
Most things aren’t easy to get rid of
And using all that effort—
The pushing
The tugging
Only makes you stronger
And once you fight off the Guilt
You’ll find yourself better than you were before.
Only then can you truly tell
If you are the one talking
Or if it’s guilt—
And if you find you are the one—
Then the apology you make
Will be more heartfelt
And more genuine
And that will make it all the better
And only then
Can you truly kick Guilt out the door
And remove the foundation of the carousel
And move on with life.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

When They Walk Out the Door

When They Walk Out the Door

The worst feeling one can possibly have
Is to see the one you love most, walk out the door
And you don’t know when they might be back.
To let go of that hand is the worst thing of all
Whether they come back to you or not
Really isn’t your call.
So you wait and you wait until you see them again
And you can’t help but smile when you see their face
But then you must go on and pretend
Like everything is going to be alright,
You have to take a deep breath
And put up a righteous and glorious fight
To not succumb to the pain and show the tears
And to keep a tight hold on your secret
And put a leash on all of your fears
So the one you love most will not worry
And stop to make the goodbye longer
So instead you push and try to make them hurry
Out the door when all you want is to be together
But you have no choice or it will be harder
So instead you try to be wise and clever
And get them to leave faster and be on their way
So you can cry and hurt by yourself
And hope to see them again another day.

But the one you love notices
They always do,
They can see the hurt on your face
And the sadness too,
So they don’t walk out that door
They don’t walk away
Instead they stay and dry your tears
And at least for a little longer they choose to stay.

They make everything better
And though it may feel like you will never
See their face again
You don’t have to hold tight and pretend
Because they will ease away the pain
And help you keep yourself sane
Before they step out that door
And promise to see you because your face they adore.
They will kiss your lips
And promise it’s not the apocalypse
They will always come back
And kept your heart intact
For they love you most of all
And they will help you keep your head tall. 

Thursday, May 7, 2015

My Mother Tree

My Mother Tree

My mom is tall and strong like a tree
She stands solid and proud.
Her roots have spread through the ground
And her branches bring shade over me.

Her roots dug in, she knows where she stands
In a field of wildflowers
Her quiet grace empowers
All who decide to cross her noteworthy lands.

And under her leaves you can find great bliss
Because it’s a good place to rest,
A good place to build nest,
And under her care there’s no risk.

And I am grateful her tree gives quiet shelter
Her roots make a good bed
And give a calm that’s widespread
And her tree stands solid and tall in the center—

She is my mother tree, the one who is home
She brings shelter and care
And I know she’ll be there
Like a beacon, when I am lost and alone. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015



Overrides all else.
Heart beats at an increased rate
Mind goes blank.
Whatever incited the fear
Is all that is there.
You start to sweat
Salt on the lip
There is no distraction
From fear.
There is no calm
You can’t move on
Your focus narrows
On only one thing.
You want to run
Or stand still
A contradiction
And your mind moves slow
Decreasing your reactions
Until the adrenaline spikes.
But what can you do
When you cannot run?
Adrenaline doesn’t help
You shiver—
You stare—
Uncertain what to do. 
Short breaths
Nothing else registers
But fear. 

Sunday, April 26, 2015



Anger is a pain, deep in my chest
It throbs, it pulses, it will never rest
A red haze descends and constricts my sight
Until everything seems bad and I just want to fight
Or run away, and seethe, quietly alone
And any confrontation I try to postpone
Until it boils up and I can’t hold it in
My stomach feels nauseous, I feel too big for my skin
And my head feels like it will pop
And I’m not sure I can stop
The tirade of words that wish to spill out
Though I wish I could do without
The haze on my thoughts, so I can think clearly
As anger covers all and I nearly
Do something I don’t want to do
But I try to take a deep breath and break through
The fury seething like a volcano
And my whirling emotions like a tornado
So I can calmly face the problem at hand
So the cause of my anger they can all understand
And we can fix the problem that created this emotion
And we can stop this ceaseless constant erosion
At the walls of the dam that keeps in my voice
And hopefully now I can have the choice
To notice that anger, that seething hate
That causes me to groan and be irate
And instead we can talk and solve the problem
And if we get lucky we can get down to the bottom
Of the anger and there will be a solution
And we can come to a calm and quiet resolution. 

Monday, April 20, 2015

I Am Here

I Am Here

I Am Here—
The steady pulse, the beat of music
Dwells in the background.
The soft click, the tick, the beat of the keyboard,
Hard chair, soft floor—
Soft cat dancing around my chair,
A soft mew
Seeking attention.
A soft pat on the head, he purrs and walks away
Only to wander
It smells of a roast cooking—
A waft of onion—
Drifts through the room
And out the window into the
The keys on the keyboard
Are hard
And though they relent
It is only just enough to register
And translate my thoughts
To the bright
The dark, black words appear across a pristine white page
Giving it a meaning.
A sour taste permeates my mouth,
So I reach for water
To wash it away.
But it still remains—
Though dulled.
My necklace clicks
And shifts
Against the soft skin at my throat.
My phone buzzes
My roommate curses
A car drives by
The cat yells
And spazzes behind me, playing with his dirty sock
Filled with catnip.
The song ends.
I Am Here—

Monday, April 6, 2015

Long, Dark Hallway

Long, Dark Hallway

Some days I feel like I opened a door
Only to have it slam shut
Leaving me in a state of confusion
That feeling is shocking and abrupt
So I stand there silent, unsure
About my next course of action.
Stepping away from the door I look for
Something, anything that will come as a distraction
And lead me away from the swirling feelings
But all I see is the blank door
And a hall so long and white,
There’s nothing left to explore.
I’ve been that way, I came that way
And there is nothing left to see
But the way ahead is blocked, it’s stuck
And there’s no way to break it free.
If I can’t move forward or go back
What course do I have to take?
Maybe if I kick it hard enough
The obstacle will break.
But the fear holds me back,
I just can’t go forward,
Even though this bleak hallway
Leaves me feeling cornered
What if the other side
Is something much, much worse,
A living so abominable
A situation that is adverse?
But I have no option
I must continue
I can make it better
I can make it new.
So I’ll kick the door open
And move on in spite of the uncertainty,
I have no choice, so until I rejoice
My future pleasantries,
I be strong and try to hold on
And I’ll put up a daring fight.
So I’ll kick the door open
Reach in and turn on the light.  

Monday, March 30, 2015

I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes--open

I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes—open

I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes—open
But the light—goes—out
 and I’m—Wide—awake—
but the Dream’s the same
And  I don’t know what it’s all about.

Dancer’s spin—and grin as they twirl
Around the darkened—room
And I’m—Still —awake—
Though it seems a dream—I take
A moment to—peer—through the gloom.

The Dancers change—to demons—
Fangs bared—and eyes—of red
Appear—but I’m wide—awake—
And all I can think—is there’s some—mistake
As I fill—with the sense—of dark dread.

The Demon’s morph—they fill my mind—
All comfort changes to—fear—
Why am I wide—awake—
I can no longer wait—
As the Demons continue to appear.

Forward they leap—in a macabre dance—
Their claws—digging into my skull—
Keeping me wide—awake—
Calm dreams I forsake—
Into hell—I am consciously pulled.

Dragging myself—through the fire and stone,
I must escape the voice in my head—
Screaming at me to wake—
And I fear I will break—
As all dignity—and joy—it does shred.

Holding on with all my Might—
To my sanity I cling
Trying not to stay—awake—
Though I fear I may have to fake—
A happiness that only sleep—will bring.

For hours—I struggle—with the demons
Forcing them to stay at bay
So I’m no longer awake
When the world starts to quake
And before I can blink—it will be day— 

Friday, March 27, 2015

Heave and Breathe and try not to Scream

Heave and Breathe and try not to Scream

So many things to be stressed about
Where do I even start—
It’s all falling apart.
Crumbling into pieces,
Disappearing into dust—
A bulldozer ran it over
But I know that I must
I must go on and face the danger
Face the anger
And all the pain I feel
I know that I must be stronger and pull apart the fear
About a future so uncertain
That’s crumbled into the sea
A mighty tsunami rolled me over
Without remorse at my daunting plea.
I try to breathe in any air
But all I get is water,
Water that fills up my lungs
An event that does not augur
Well for how I’m handling
The storm that’s headed my way
So I heave
And breathe
And try not to scream
As I face each and every day.
Where will this long road lead me?
What hope do I even have
Of making  it down the river
And finding my footing on dry land?
In a future so uncertain
I can only hope that all goes well
And work as hard as possible
To make it out of this trek through hell
In a fire so unbearable
I can’t see a single thing
Everything around  me is shimmering
And I can’t take the unforgiving sting
Of flames licking across my chest
And burning down my face
So I heave
And breathe
And try not to scream
As I try to make all haste
Only to come across another obstacle
It seems everything stands in my way
What do I do? What do I do?
This pain just won’t go away.
Yet the tears refuse to fall
And I can’t seem to let myself heal
As the emotions get ever stronger
My head is starting to reel.
I can’t breathe
I can’t scream
I can’t even feel anything real,
When will it end
When will I bend
Because I don’t have a back of steel.
It hurts
It hurts
I can’t stop the burn
I can only go so far
Until I reach a dead end
And I must defend
The life that I hold so dear.
My only option is to continue
And push as hard as I can
To pierce the dead end
And maybe mend
But I watch the whole plan
That was my future start to
To crawl
Away and into the dark.
I must continue
I must press on
Until I reach the end
No matter how far
So I force the air
Through my chest
And heave
And breathe
And try not to scream.